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  • Zac Berg

Breakups


Its common, we can’t always anticipate or prepare for and it’s not always enjoyable. But break ups happen. Relationships end. Sometimes its mutual but most times it’s not. How we navigate the heart ache and pains and discomfort of relationships ending? In this blog Zac provides some tips on how to move on from your break ups in a healthy way.


Tip 1) identify, Acknowledge, and work through your feelings

Feelings can be painful l and often we want to avoid, stuff them down and pretend they don't exist. But the reality is we cannot move on from pain unless we address it. And part of that is experiencing the emotions we want to avoid. We may feel angry at ourselves, the other person, regrets about choices we made. Such as if only I would have said that one thing, changed something about myself, then things would've worked out differently. It's a loss. And part of loss is going through grief. We can also experience relief. Perhaps it was a toxic relationship, or the other person did/said things that you didn't like or hurt. Regardless, allow yourself to feel, to process what you are feeling.


Tip 2) limiting Contact

Following breakups, we miss other person and often times we want to reach out, communicate, see or hear them. However, there can be dangers with that. The more you are with someone, spend time and develop a relationship with them, the stronger the connection is between them. In reality by maintain connection though it may provide some relief, this can maintain that connection making it more difficult and painful in the long run. Sometimes it’s best to rip off the band aid. Part of that is time away. Occasionally this cannot be helped. You are in the same class, community, club making it difficult to not see that person. Humans are resilient creatures that can heal from just about anything. Allow yourself to heal.


Tip 3) Live your life

Life doesn't end when your relationships do. It can be hard to pick up where you left off, or may not want to get out of bed. It’s good to get a new hobby, go to the gym, spend time with others, try new things, find other ways of taking care of your needs. Often, we get enmeshed in our relationship, we lose sight of who we are. Spend time figuring out who you are without that other person.

Tip 4) Learn to let go

What are you holding to? Old texts, pictures, love notes, or sonnets. You may be clinging onto those vacations that you might have coming up or those lifelong plans. In your healing process ask yourself are the things you are holding on to helping or hindering your healing? Ask yourself what purpose is served by holding on these mementos? Does the object bring hope? Are we holding on just in case they come back in our lives? to hold on to something just in case they come back? This can be a very difficult piece in moving on and you decide what are willing and not willing to part with.


Tip 5) Resources

We live in a vast technological age. With this comes many helpful apps to guide you in your healing journey. One to recommend is Mend and Rx breakup. Mend has audio clips and helpful tips, Rx break up allows you to work through each day presenting challenges, suggestions, writing down red flags and help in making lists of activities you enjoy. As well there are various break up recovery kits (many are free online) and self help books that can be helpful in your journey. Choose what works for you and commit to using it.


Tip 6) Community

Connect with others. It’s hard to go through breakups alone and having support can be detrimental in moving forward. Reach out to support or people you used to connect with. Join a group at school, church or a recreational group. It can also be helpful to talk to a professional such as a therapist. We aren’t meant to do life alone especially during times of grief and pain.


Tip 7) Learn from your relationships

Spend time reflecting on what went well, what didn't go so well. None of us are perfect. We can learn from our past and use that so that our next relationships are that much better. How well did you communicate? What were your priorities? Did you have realistic expectations? Was the expectation that that one person was to meet all your needs? Sometimes we can blame, and wish pain to other person however healing works much better if we learn how to grow from this.



For more information on breakups or book an appointment contact us or email Zac Berg at zberg@newgrowthpsychology.ca

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